I’m a planner by nature. If I could I would order my world so that I have the perfect amount of busyness and free time, the most delightful blend of scheduled expectations and margin for spontaneity and fun. But that isn’t how life works, is it? We aren’t machines that can be programmed. We don’t know what unexpected twists and turns life will take and frankly, people are messy. If you are a people-person then you know well that you cannot put people in boxes to control them like objects. So then plans have to be a bit fluid. We have to learn to go with the flow from time to time. The best laid plans of mice and men…

I had ordered my world for Fall 2014 pretty well, I thought. I could give so much to ministry at Redeemer. And so much to Livia’s school. And there’d be time for photography, too, even though I wasn’t sure exactly what form that would take. But then there’s foster care. You want to talk about messy plans and messy people, then let’s talk foster care! This summer we were very close to fostering a toddler and there was great potential for us to parent him long term. Like adoption long term. We were within 24 hours of picking up this little boy—I was literally on the way to buy whole milk from the store—when all plans were called off. It was hard. I am very slow to set up a room for a foster child, but this one was ready to go with new gray chevron sheets in the pack n’ play and a specially purchased stuffed animal waiting for a little person to love. I was disappointed. It felt crushing at the time, and then slowly life returned to normal and we all carried on.

Three weeks ago we fielded two calls for babies. We said yes, as we almost always do, and lo and behold one child ended up in our home. The baby that I’ve deeply hoped for and wanted is now in our house! He is amazing and chubby and wonderful. He is ours for the meantime, yet he belongs wholly to another family who loves him to the moon and back. We are standing in the gap for this little one, claiming him as part of our family by cuddling him, teaching him, feeding him, clothing him and doing all the things parents do for a baby. But we do it for God’s glory. We do it because this little one is worthy of such attention. And we do it because it’s good for this other family who needs a helping hand right now. He both is and isn’t ours to claim, yet we will love him because he exists. If you could see what I see and know what I know, then you’d love him, too, knowing full well your heart will feel empty when you hand him back to his mama someday. You can’t love this little guy halfway.

So life is indeed messy. My carefully planned margins have been written in and stomped on and woken up in the middle of the night at 2 and again at 4:00 am. My time has been less about fall plans for women’s ministry at Redeemer and more about how to get enough sleep to be something of a competent person during daylight hours. Instead of editing photos and booking shoots I am trying to figure out how to give my 10 year old some semblance of normality while figuring out team meetings and court dates and a feeding schedule that makes sense for a baby. Why share all this with the world? I suppose I am asking for grace. My world has gone topsy-turvy for a time and I’m treading water. Every single meal brought to our house, every encouraging email or text, every small gift given to my family gives me just the boost I need to keep walking forward in the mess. Knowing that our friends and family are flexible and that they support us allows me to take on the bumps and bruises of the unknown twists and turns with their love and grace as the buffer I need. Thanks to each of you who understand this journey we’re on. We are so grateful for you! Scratch that, it’s more than gratitude. We could not do this without you. Period.

So proud of my tall, beautiful, sweet 4th grader! She still lets me hold her hand a little. We prayed on the walk to school for blessings on all the students and staff, and then she let go and walked down the hallway to a new classroom. May the Lord bless you and keep you, my Livia Raine! We love you so much.

(I’m drippy with tears this morning after a night waking up with both kids. But some things, like kids growing up and dear friends cheering us on with sidewalk chalk—year after year after year—are worth crying over with happiness. We are blessed.)

Says my girl, age ten going on 21.

I then request that Jeremy join her, and this is what I get. Nice.