I am actively choosing naivete.
It’s in direct opposition to my desire to know-it-all and to be all for my daughter. Or perhaps it’s simply an all-or-nothing cop out due to my perfectionistic tendencies. Whatever it is, I am rarely opening my books on baby milestones (“should be crawling by 10 months”, whatever!) and I am choosing to ignore all the mushy, gushy how-to books on making your child a genius and/or well-rounded.
Why do we need these books????
I completely believe that if you’re intelligent and caring enough to be reading the multitude of how-to parenting books, then you’re probably doing enough for your child as it is. Whenever I start feeling burdened by the reality that I am NOT reading much of this literature, I consider mothers like Ma Ingalls, Abraham Lincoln’s mama, and Mrs. Alberta Luther King. They did alright, didn’t they? And I’m fairly certain they weren’t reading texts filled with suggestions for updated, gentler lyrics to old nursery songs or books on all the intricacies of baby massage. I mean really, do we actually need to learn all that stuff?
There’s a lot of pressure (might be perceived, might be real) to be a good parent. If you listen to all the voices out there, or simply read many of the parenting books, then you’ll feel great pressure to meet all the standards of “well-roundedness.” But folks, meeting those standards is simply not possible.
So I choose naivete.
I know enough to be confident in my skills and I know enough to know when to seek help as a parent, be it in a book or a friend. I know I want Livia to listen to all kinds of music — so we listen to jazz and rock in the car, to bible songs and folk music in the kitchen, to Hadyn’s Creation in the living room stereo, and of course to my own voice at bedtime. I know I want Livia to love reading — so books are everywhere in our house. We read them, she eats them and pats them. I know I want Livia to feel texture on and play with all sorts of objects — so she snatches up leaves on the front lawn, bangs tupperware on the kitchen floor, smears her hands in mandarin oranges and yogurt, grabs my necklace whenever possible. All this I know. For my own sake, I’m ignoring the books. So Livia doesn’t crawl at (almost) 11 months. So what?
[Disclaimer: My mother is a public health nurse who has spent many years testing children’s developmental skills. Jeremy and I attend all well-baby/pediatrician checkups faithfully. So for all y’all in Blogland who don’t know me well, let there be no concern about Livia’s welfare… We’re certain she’ll be moving around the house soon enough, in her own timing.]
14 Comments
Renae Apr 6, 2005 4:27 PM
My first thought on reading the title was, “No! Don’t throw books away. I’ll be right over to see if I want any of them first.” :) But, ah, you meant a certain *kind* of books.
I heartily endorse your non-reading for baby/development books. Though I don’t have specifics to muse on at this stage in my life, my thinking for when we do have kids is along those same lines–not because I don’t want to do what’s best for my children but because of my own all-or-nothing tendencies, which I’m certain will translate into pure terror if I allow myself to read too much on what *I* should be doing and/or what *he/she/they* should be doing.
When my friend Shelli was first pregnant, I went to Borders to “quick” pick up a certain book I had seen another friend reading (one on budgeting–what you should splurge on and what you can use second-hand for the baby). Not only did I not find that book, I was so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of titles and the thought of all the (probably conflicting) advice represented that I commented to Jason that if we ever need an effective method of birth control, just send me to that section of the bookstore! Ugh.
RT Apr 6, 2005 5:13 PM
The number of books out there is absolutely overwhelming — you’re totally right, Renae. And by the way, it’s a rare day that sees the Tredways throwing a book away (though I do have a few for the Zion rummage sale; I’m certain you don’t want them, but you’re welcome to look).
Pssst… I love internet communicating when we’re right next door. : )
JSW Apr 6, 2005 6:36 PM
“Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How our children really learn and why they need to play more and memorize less.” :)
kara Apr 6, 2005 10:14 PM
madeline JUST started crawling a couple of days after her first birthday. quite honestly, she is not terribly good at it especially since she has been cruising around furniture for a little over a month now and much prefers that. she pretty much crawls (note: crawl, crawl, hop on feet and hands with butt in the air, sit down instead) only to get from one place where she can stand to the next. and, she is wonderful, remarkable, unbelievably intelligent and sure to be painlessly athletic and lithe as well.
bravo to livia for hanging on to babyhood just a second longer – i’ll be she’s enjoying it! =)
mrscrumley Apr 7, 2005 11:01 AM
Hi Rebecca! My husband won’t read the books, so I just put them aside too. If we can’t be united in educating ourselves, then we are united in our confidence, intuition, and naivete. It really helps me to stay away from the books because then when D does something that I don’t agree with, I can’t argue with the “The book says…” because that argument doesn’t always hold water.
I have heard of Hyland’s teething tablets, but there is only one store in Chatt that sells them and they aren’t conveniently located near St. Elmo.
And interesting side note. I tried to look up the Hyland’s website here at work and it got blocked. It said: The Websense category “Supplements and Unregulated Compounds” is filtered.
Crazy filters.
RT Apr 7, 2005 11:10 AM
Nice, Jacinda… : )
Mrscrumley, bummer on the Hylands, but if Orajel works for your cutie then you don’t really need it anyway! Our web blocker (KidsGoGoGo) sometimes shuts down my browser on the oddest things. It can be super annoying.
Andy Apr 7, 2005 11:40 AM
I had the same reaction as Renae except that I thought it was an act of epistimological bravery. In a way I think it was.
Megan Apr 7, 2005 6:45 PM
Do you use the KidsGoGoGo on a Mac or PC? We’re in the market for a Mac-compatible fliter but can’t seem to find one that comes with a trusted recommendation…
Kristen Apr 7, 2005 8:15 PM
Wow! Our grocery stores and drug stores all stock Hylands TT and Richmond is the un-crunchiest place I have ever lived. There is a “little teethers” teething tablet that has exactly the same active ingredients you might look for as well. We are big Hylands fans.
Jeannette Apr 7, 2005 8:18 PM
I’m with you, Rebecca. I’ve gotten about one book each on pregnancy, labor, and breastfeeding (ok, two on labor). At first I felt guilty for not having like four pregnancy books consulted regularly. Was I going to miss something important for a healthy pregnancy? I haven’t bought a kiddo book yet, though I may get a medical book to help out with diagnosing and comforting.
I prefer to rely on intuition and discussion with my community of fellow mamas. The community (virtual through blogorama and real like through family and church) is fantastic, because you know the women and have seen the fruits of the labors. You know where they’re coming from and their priorities. That’s how they did it back in the olden days–in a community.
Books are more difficult. Often the author has a particular point/method s/he is trying to sell, or they have to qualify themselves to such an extent to protect themselves against lawsuits that they end up really saying nothing at all. Or they have to be written so simply as to appeal to the widest possible audience that, again, nothing really interesting can be said. They can all be reduced to chapter headings, pithy blurbs, and generic advice.
(sorry…this is kind of longish. don’t mean to ramble)
Kerri Apr 7, 2005 10:01 PM
I have a nephew who *never* crawled–went straight to walking–and a daughter (Anna) who walked at 9 months and got her first tooth at 10 months. Go figure.
Livia is a blessed girl to have such a wise, not-so-naive mother.
I read this quote today in Real Simple magazine, from Jill Churchill in *Grime and Punishment*: “The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”
Amen, sister!
bobw Apr 8, 2005 9:28 AM
I like “the books” b/c I knew essentially nothing about kids before I had one. now I know just a little bit more than nothing. I also enjoy it when I get some insights about what’s going on in my kid’s head at his current “stage.” or at least I get to think I might know what’s going on, which is at least entertaining.
that said, I do my best to filter all the info through the values that God has given us, and rely on Him to guide us each day, and try to remember that we’re going to make mistakes, but somehow he’ll survive. but I generally agree: trying too hard to “get it right” is more dangerous than ignorance.
RT Apr 8, 2005 1:06 PM
Megan, we use Kids GoGoGo on our Macs. It has been a good option for us and works really well. It’s made by Maki Enterprises (a Japanese? company) so you’ll notice a few English grammar errors on their website. No big deal, the software does what we want it to…
mrscrumley Apr 8, 2005 1:15 PM
Now, I haven’t given up the internet as a resource… does that count as a “book?” I like http://www.babycenter.com and the weekly emails they send me.