I told myself last week that the only reason I’d skip church again was if I was vomiting.
This morning I didn’t want to go. Well, I wanted to go. I wanted to feel the light and joy on my face, raining down from the voices around me; to hear the words of salvation, given by ministers in front of me. I wanted that. But, I didn’t want to physically be there.
Putting aside all excuses for a few moments, I bathed and stretched out my limbs in a hot tub. Then I convinced myself I could indeed make it to church, an answer to a quick early morning prayer.
Balancing Eggo waffle and leather bible, tripping over the stones in the alley, buoyed by the puffy white clouds and blue sky, I found Zion.
And it didn’t matter that my old lady knees protested at the stand-up-sit-down-again motions of the service, that my legs needed reshifting five times during the sermon, that I bumped my head on the pew in front of me while putting on my coat because I was cold… then promptly got the giggles because of the head bump.
If perfection were needed for church attendance, none of us would have made it this morning.
So, why then do I wrestle so intensely with the desire to look like I “have it all together?” Newsflash: I don’t have it all together, not even remotely. And, I’m sorry if I’ve ever made someone else think so. My current physical trials reveal a mere fraction of the disturbances in my soul, wrinkles I deal with moment-by-moment, day-by-day.
Just like raindrops on a sunny day—like our odd Nebraska weather this Sunday afternoon—I stand as a sinner receiving grace. Doesn’t make much sense. Can’t wrap my mind around it. All I can do it open my mouth and take a drink. Sweet, sweet grace.
2 Comments
cousin sommer May 2, 2004 7:53 PM
My dear sweet cousin…You are amazing! I have only just begun to read your ‘blogs’. Infact, I had no idea what a blog was until I viewed this site. I am impressed by so many things about you. First of all, I wish I knew you better. So many years have gone by and my memories take me to Grandma & Grandpa Lawtons house…running around in our swimsuits playing with Benji and Jonathan. I don’t think I took off that swimsuit for at least a year. I’m so glad I was able to see you again..and meet Jeremy 2yrs ago for the 4th of July. I don’t think we had much opportunity to get to know eachother as adults though. I feel I’ve learned more about you in your blog than I ever knew before. I realize these are probably supposed to be quick little responses…but I think I wanna say more!
I so enjoy reading anything you write about. You make everything so graceful and beautiful in your writing. I hope you are working on a novel or memoirs or something because you are gifted and I believe you would make a wonderful writer!
Moving on…Why do bad things have to happen to good people?!! The only answer that I can come up with is that you must be stronger than most people. Your strength lies within your mind and soul. I am thankful that you have Jeremy to be by your side and support you. I wish I could take away your pain…
Idol business! Couldn’t agree with you more! My mom and I have been obsessed with the show. I can’t call her until after the show or she’ll hang up on me. Two weeks ago was a rip off! They took the only 3 women that had potential. Thank goodness they got rid of John Stevens. He would make a great Las Vegas lounge singer in 10 years, but that’s it. I believe in Latoya, although I wasn’t impressed with last weeks performance. And Fantasia is awesome…she has a destinct style that is very nice. So hopefully they will remain the top two…if not, I think I might just stop watching (maybe).
I wish you restful nights and painless days Rebecca. You inspire me!
rebecca May 3, 2004 12:59 PM
hey sommer! i’m so glad you found my blog (and the great world of blogging as well!). your comments were a great encouragement to me yesterday — i’ll be floating on some good feelings for awhile! maybe the internet will be a good way for us to get to know each other better… i know it has great untapped potential for better lawton communication.
jeremy has been the best support EVER. my parents and friends have been amazing as well. but i know for sure i couldn’t get through each day without hope from God. i’ve had soooo many moments where i know the power is supernatural and not from myself! : )
about AI… it’s something like a car wreck — i want to look away but can’t! i’m hopelessly addicted… s-i-g-h. i love it that aunt carol watches, too. and now i hear uncle steve does (which i really love).
much love to you and your brothers and their families and your folks. we’re too far away from each other!!!