I am not good at saying goodbye.

I don’t like it, the goodbye part that is. I put off saying goodbye until the absolute last minute, no drawn out goodbyes from me. Each friend of mine fills my life in a unique way, kind of like the way evangelicals talk about the Jesus-shaped vacuum in everyone’s hearts. I have the Jesus vacuum as well–except it’s not a hole, it’s filled with Jesus, but you know what I mean–but I also have friend shapes that feel, well, vacuous when that friend is gone from my every day world.

One of my dearest friends moved away last spring. Julie had seen me through every stage of my adult life thus far… Dating, engagement, marriage, struggles within marriage, joys within marriage, desiring children but still waiting for them, then adoption, infancy and toddlerhood. I had envisioned hosting her daughters’ bridal showers someday in the future and, like other women at Zion, I imagined sharing stories about how I remember when her mother was nine months pregnant with the bride and how she was so ready to deliver. But within two weeks of a job change, Julie’s family moved. It felt like a bandaid had been ripped off, quick yet painful.

I’ve known about today’s goodbye for sometime now, and it was actually prolonged by several weeks, so the bandaid metaphor clearly doesn’t apply. I am wholeheartedly behind the O’Donnells’ move to Japan, yet my support doesn’t lessen the sadness I feel by the Jamie-shaped vacuum in my heart. Jamie, Bryan & Jones have been an integral part of our community dinners for the last 18 months, and as such, they have become like family. It’s nearly impossible to break bread with someone every single week and not become something of a tight knit community. It’s been a joy to see Bryan & Jamie: The Newlyweds turn into Bryan & Jamie: The Parents. And then there’s Jones, who I got to hold and love on from his birth last March to his toddling days last week. Suffice to say there will be a piece of us missing when we next gather for a meal at Brook’s place.

Okay, so I don’t like goodbyes. I cry the ugly cry (as Oprah says) and feel like weeping for hours afterwards. But I suppose the goodbyes are themselves are only testaments to how treasured these friendships have been. As a Christian, I can say with utmost confidence that the story of these dear friends is not over yet. The goodbyes I cry over today are not the final goodbyes; eternity is yet to come.