I believe in God and love him with my whole heart.

That may be a weird thing to say because God is pretty mysterious and also he’s pretty big and so what does it mean to be one small person in this universe and declare that I love the One who made it?

I’ve been mindful of the seasons, of the church calendar to be specific, as I teach my 4th-8th graders a bible lesson each week. Connecting new material to old material is the way we learn, so I refer back to concepts we’ve already learned or holidays that are already in their lives, and lately we’ve been looking forward a little bit. Jesus was born into a people, born for a specific task, born to continue the story God began with humanity, and born to redeem. We’re now beyond the Easter story and working through WHAT IT ALL MEANS.

Working through WHAT IT ALL MEANS is the work of a lifetime. Truly, I’m working through WHAT IT ALL MEANS at age 44 and I’ll continue working through WHAT IT ALL MEANS until I meet Jesus face to face.

I believe the bible is true.

I believe God really does love me and I learn more about how He does that all the time.

I believe Jesus was God—is God—and that he died in order to redeem us from our sins. He balances the scales of justice cosmically and ultimately.

And I believe that the Spirit of God dwells in me now. He dwells in those who believe in him, giving us insight and correction, hope and purpose to live out our days. 

This week has been a doozy. May brings with it wonderful occasions that leave me breathless on a normal year, but this year it’s all I can do to doggie paddle in order to keep my head above water. It’s the end of the school year—for me as a teacher and my kid as a junior. (JUNIOR. Lord have mercy.) It’s Livia’s EIGHTEENTH birthday tomorrow and, no, I have not absorbed what that signifies. It encompasses everything from “how did these years go so fast?” to “in Nebraska you’re a minor until age 19” to “what should she wear for her senior pictures” to “I’m so incredibly proud of her” and everything in between. It’s Mother’s Day. And maybe it’s still Infertility Awareness Week? And it’s Birthmother’s Day and boy oh boy do we miss and think of Livia’s first family with the biggest love in our hearts right now. Lots. of. feelings. It’s also graduation week for dear ones who have worked hard for their advance degrees and we are so proud of them. It’s Teacher Appreciation Week and we had an IEP meeting and, wow, do I love these people who love my kid day in and day out. I also love my students in ways that keeps my mind and heart both tremendously busy and tremendously full.

And in the middle of all the celebrations, there is hardship. 

Long-loved friends are dying and that seems impossible. There’s pain and suffering and being too far away to physically help those you love. There are loved ones ailing. In hospitals fighting for their lives and awaiting surgeries with fear and trepidation. The country is torn over women’s rights and women’s health issues and the ever-pressing question of whose life is worth more? Why do we even have to decide whose life is worth more? They are ALL worthy of love and attention and good care and respect. But who wins? Truly, no one wins. Not before Roe v Wade and not after. Not if abortion is a federal issue or a state issue. Women have always been on the crap end of healthcare and that game continues on. No winners, just a lot of losing.

Lord God, what do we make of all of this? How can May usher in so much joy and so much heartache all at once?

From one small person in the expanse of an entire universe I do not know. But God, you are huge and you are great. You created every creature, you know the number of hairs on my head, you clothe the lilies in the field, you know the number of stars in the sky. The pain is not too much for you to handle, too great for you to understand. The celebrations are not so small as to escape your notice. You see it all and you care for us in the midst of it all.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”

even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.