It’s clear in everything I’ve said to friends and family that I expected our foster sons to stay around for a good while. Maybe a year, I said, envisioning a long settling in process before they’d be allowed to return to their parents. And then I got word last Friday that perhaps this would not be our reality, perhaps something was going to happen very fast. I’m grateful that I heard whisperings through the grapevine as it allowed me to start considering the very idea. Over the weekend I organized diapers, put Thomas the Train DVDs in the proper locations and made mental lists of what belonged to whom.
On Tuesday a judge ordered the boys to return to their home and within three hours they were gone from our home. In that three hours I sorted and folded and packed and created a small mountain of things that belonged to them. (This is not the norm for foster kids, that they’d enter your home with a lot of possessions, but our boys did indeed come with a lot of things.) I cried off and on as I packed up their teeny t-shirts and little man pants, Spiderman undies and the Pull-ups that were our current reality. I prayed and prayed and prayed over these items. And eventually we installed carseats in a new car, added the boys to the car, and kissed them goodbye.
This is foster care.
Jeremy and I never pretended to be the boys’ Mom and Dad. In our hearts and on our lips we were their foster mom and dad. In the practicalities of day to day life, however, we loved them and treated them as our own. Hugs. Tickling. Feeding snacks and meals. Getting drinks and changing diapers. Bedtime stories and morning wake-ups. Doctor appointment after doctor appointment. We loved them. We were the second Mommy and Daddy for them, and they called us Mommy and Daddy because that’s the role we played. We loved them.
You don’t care for someone everyday for almost five weeks and then send them off without your heart being impacted. Jeremy, Liv and I are processing this change differently from one another and since I’m the verbose, emotional one, you get a blog post with a few ideas in it. I miss the boys and the fullness they bring to our house. I do not miss getting up early in the morning. I miss sweet cheeks to kiss and little bodies to bathe. I do not miss the dinnertime ritual (so shoot me, it’s true—dinner is much easier with one 9 year old child). More than the missing, the wondering is what gets to me. It’s testing my faith in new ways, this trusting God with what is best for the boys. I did not approve of their removal from our house, but then again, no one asked me. Foster parents, for those who are wondering, don’t get much say in the legal matters of a case. After caring so intimately for these little people for days on end, they are outside of my control and decision-making. And that’s hard to bear. I hope and pray they are being cared for well.
I wrote about the reality of our 2013 Christmas card and now find myself in a place where I could actually mail it out. But a little bit of my Christmas spirit is lacking now. This is not how I envisioned celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas will not be what I envisioned either. Going back to a family of three feels normal to me, though, so the adjustment will come and the missing will decrease—I know this much is true.
We were there for the boys when they needed us, and I hope we can be there for them in the future if they ever need us again. As I was putting clean sheets on the now-vacant bed in our foster room I could feel the tiniest spark of excitement at a new body finding it’s way into our home, a new little person who could use a warm bed and a few loving family members. May God use us. May He give us grace to sustain us in sadness and in joy. And may He use normal, tired people like us to love others. Amen.
10 Comments
Katie's Nov 30, 2013 8:43 PM
i just came home from thanksgiving with my brother and his family. They have been fostering for a little while now, and a little 2.5 year old boy came the day before thanksgiving, the same day we arrived, my SIL’s birthday. We all got to be this boys family for a few days. I loved seeing my children love their new cousin. Restoration and adoption are their goals as they foster. They have two kids of their own, but desire for their family to grow. I understand everything you wrote here, as I see the wall of faces in my brother’s house and see how tenderly they care for this little boy. It was such a special birthday present for my SIL to have a little one to care for. He played with us, my husband gave him piggy back rides and my youngest loved playing with him, nurturing him. May the time you had these boys be fruit for their soul, and may a new child who needs the hands and feet and heart of Jesus enter your life and change them and you forever. Blessings to all who foster!
Addelah Nov 30, 2013 8:47 PM
Sweet precious (((hugs))) as your love carries on with the boys.
Dianna Nov 30, 2013 8:49 PM
I was adopted when I was three. I lived with my foster parents for two and a half years…Mama and Daddy Morgan. I love them so much! (They have both passed away now) My case was a bit unusual, but I kept in touch with them through all the years…they became like grandparents to me, only more. My last born is named after them…Talitha Morgan… They had over 100 children in their home! Most came with only the clothes on their backs, but they always left with much more! Some stayed only a few hours, some, like me, for years. The last child they had was blind and she stayed for 6 years…they completely remodeled their house for her! Mama had 10 photo albums on her shelf where she kept pictures of every.single.child… always loving, never holding back. It’s always been my prayer… God grant me the love she had…the love of Christ! Full, deep and rich! May God bless you in this calling!
Ashley H. Nov 30, 2013 10:17 PM
Love you sweet friend. My heart broke with your heart and I’ll be leaning on you in the next month or two when the babies leave our home. I can’t imagine a house empty of baby things and bottles and naps. Hard stuff. I, too, dream of the next little body or bodies that will enter our home. Praying a good fitting placement finds you soon.
Tara Dec 1, 2013 12:03 AM
Oh rt, this made me ache. it also made me realize how encouraging it is that the Father uses us normal, tired people to love in ways we never thought we were capable of or wanting. praying for the transition and grace, and wow–some of these above comments are incredible.
Aunt Carol Dec 1, 2013 3:28 PM
I so admire your family, Jeremy, Liv and you. Many of my clients are foster parents and I see the unconditional love and the ultimate sadness when they must let go. These children need more exceptional people, like you. If only for a short time, you have had such a positive impact on their lives.
Jen Dec 1, 2013 3:55 PM
My heart hurts for you, sister. May the roots of our hearts run deep into His grace and mercy as we extend it to these precious little people. He is there in the midst of these hard and beautiful places.
Andy Dec 1, 2013 8:37 PM
Keeping up through CP and definitely thinking of the T’s this advent season.
Rebecca Dec 1, 2013 9:05 PM
Katie and Dianna, I think of your stories time and time again, as well as the stories of foster moms who live nearby, and I’m so encouraged by them. I’m amazed at people who are poured out over and over for children in the system. How do you keep doing it, I wonder? Where’s the shut-off valve for your emotions? Pretty sure we don’t want a bunch of robots doing this job, but there’s a sweet spot to the calling of fostering.
Valerie Dec 1, 2013 10:39 PM
I have a lump in my throat…and my heart aches for you…, but I am so amazed at your strength and resiliency…not so different, I imagine, as the strength and resilience of the little ones you are blessed to foster.